Happy Labor Day

Hey all!

I hope everyone had a happy and safe Labor Day.  I've been thinking about this blog post for a few days and what I wanted to say that I may not have been able to talk to anyone about in the moment and how I wanted to share my experience over the holiday weekend.

Our plans were similar to every other year, rent out most of the cabins at Sweet Water Resort, hang out and enjoy our family.  By family, I mean:

The entire 6 pack - my + boyfriend = 4 kids under 8 years old
My mom - the genius behind the festivities every year
My sister, her husband, 2 kids and 1 foster baby
My aunt, three cousins, one cousin-in-law, and two littles
My cousin from Illinois, plus her husband and 2 girls

It sounds like a lot but this isn't even CLOSE to 1/4 of my family!  Anyway, not all of us struggle with food addictions and it's really really hard to explain the term "diet" being a 4 letter word in my book.  In fact, it became a friendly debate on multiple occasions.  The amount of calories I was consuming was the topic of conversation as was the TYPE of calories I chose to eat and the fact that "I can't have that" was not part of my vocabulary.  In fact, people would say, "How about ice cream?!  Oh wait, you can't have that!"  and I would have to say "I CAN have it, I'm choosing not to".  In fact, I don't do it necessarily to prove a point, but the words I say and the way I wrap my head around this journey makes ME feel better about it and since it's my journey, isn't that the only opinion that should really matter?

Several times I had to walk past pans of brownies, rice krispie treats, magic cookie bars, candy, treats, and snacks that I knew would destroy my dreams and goals for this life.  I know that sounds slightly dramatic, but for me one bite, one lick, always leads to another which leads to a spiraling out of control and weight gain, frustration, and hopelessness and then I have to try to pick myself back up (because no one can do that for you) and get back on track with the goal setting, measuring, and worst of all the withdrawals.  For whatever reason this mountainous pyramid of goodies was placed RIGHT next to the fridge and covered the stove top so even when I went to get a glass of water, I found the pans and pans of sugar and insulin resistance staring me in the face.  Eventually I got sick of it and took it upon myself to rearrange the kitchen and put the sweets more out of sight on a shelf, so they were behind my back when I walked to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water or a healthy snack from the fridge.  I may have sounded a bit harsh when I said "I'm cleaning the kitchen, because I'm tired of staring at all this crap everytime I come through the door".  I know the treats weren't intentionally placed there to torture me, but moving them was something I conciously had to do FOR ME.

So the razzing continued throughout the entire weekend and when a DQ run was brought up and I'd mentioned that I was already over my caloric intake for the day (all healthy calories, but still over the calories), I was told by multiple people that the day was shot anyway, so what difference did it make.  Part of me was in disbelief that the people that love me so much were encouraging me to fail.  Part of me, down right angry, but the biggest part of me was heartbroken.  These are the people that are supposed to lift me up and encourage me and I literally looked to my guy and said "Can you help me out here?" as I was clearly outnumbered.  He very quietly said, "You can do this".  Probably the most valuable 4 words I'd heard all weekend.  As I continued to stand my ground, tears stung my eyes as I repeatedly declined the DQ offer and explained my stance and on and on and on and eventually the pushers gave up.  There was no DQ run because I didn't comply.  There was no horrible overdose of sugar or sweets at any point.  Not even so much as a cracker passed my lips.  It was ALL protein and vegetables (even the broccoli salad was sweetened only with Stevia) and for this I was proud.

Yesterday as I contemplated the fact that I'd missed two days of working out and wondered what I could do for weight training at a resort when I'd forgotten my weights at home, my honey reminded me that kayaking around the bay would be a good workout and I recalled how much I loved it, but was nervous that after a 70lb gain, it's quite possible I would look ridiculous getting in and out of the blue kayak meant for much smaller people than I.  However, I swallowed that pride, because no matter how ridiculous or nauseating I may have seemed getting in and out of the kayak or how I was judged, I was working toward my goals.  I paddled around the bay twice and was proud that I didn't completely throw in the towel on movement over the weekend.  Kayaking was definitely more of a core workout for me than arms or much else, but it was a workout nonetheless.

There were lots of pictures taken over the weekend and I'm not happy how I look in many of them unless the only thing contained therein is my face which I've learned to angle to flatter the shape of my jawline, etc.  They are good reminders that while other indulged in sugar ladden comas a good portion of the weekend, my goals were not the same as theirs.  I have bigger goals and require more work and determination and that's ok.  I wasn't missing out on anything.  Had I indulged I would've missed out on so much more including: pride, health, and self love.

Have a great week all!  Go out there and get your goals, no matter what everyone else is doing.  Your goals are different than theirs and we all achieve our individual goals differently.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have two flights of stairs to run a bazillion times to get all of our gear in from our weekend getaway.

Back In The Game

Well hello strangers!  It's been more than 6 months since I've blogged and during those 6 months I have:

Gotten super sick

Gone on a Cruise

Sprained My Ankle

Got a tattoo

Celebrated turning 29 for the 5th time

Gained 70+ lbs

Yes you read that right!  70+ lbs!  Things started falling apart in January when the ER drs diagnosed me with pneumonia and started me on an antibiotic (no biggie right?) well less than a week later I'm in to my regular dr because the antibiotic isn't working.  She gives me something stronger, a steroid (so begins the crazy that is Prednisone), and a new inhaler.  A week later I'm back again with no relief.  She refers me out to a pulmonologist because she's given me all she can without admitting me to the hospital for my asthma.  Several weeks go by and we go on vacation (where I spent 10 days in the sun) and came home feeling like a million bucks.  Then the post vacation depression sets in, I see the pulmonologist who prescribed NINE prescriptions totaling over $200 for one months worth (and that's just MY portion).  She had me on everything from 3 different inhalers to cough medicine (did you know that can come in pill form?), to prescription strength antacids. She said, "We'll go at it with a shot gun and after 6 weeks we'll start taking prescriptions away and see what the affects are."  Now, working for the largest healthcare provider group in Minnesota, I know healthcare is a science and a practice, and every dr has their own method, but this was ridiculous to me.  However, I'm not the one with the PhD so I went along with the plan.  2 weeks later, no relief and I was miserable from the side effects of several of the medications.  I stopped taking everything cold turkey and relied solely on my rescue inhaler for relief when needed, took turmeric and switched to a higher quality vitamin, and started seeing a chiropractor.  Then came a weekend up north where I discovered I was losing my sense of taste.  I mentioned this oddity to a good friend of mine, and she insisted I see my dr to get my vitamin D tested.  We live in Minnesota, vitamin D is a big issue in winter, but clearly mine was in the summer too!  My counts were dangerously low and the dr started me on super high doses of vitamin D to help get my numbers back where they belong.

Several weeks later (we're in June now) just as I felt like I was seeing some improvement in how I felt, I stepped in a hole and sprained my ankle.  Air cast for another week and little to no activity for 6 weeks.

So here we are August and my breathing is better, my vitamin D is a high dose daily supplement and my ankle is mostly ok except when it rains or weather temps change.  Then, all of a sudden I was given an incredible opportunity that I'm very VERY excited about in addition to being in my best friends wedding in January, I decided it was time.  

After returning home from a trip out of state to visit family, I woke up Monday morning and decided enough was enough.  That day some thing reached out to me.  A renewed sense of determination and dedication, so I faced the scale, which I didn't dare do in the depths of my turmoil and while I was blown away at the number that displayed, I also didn't beat myself up about it or get mad or sad or angry.  I didn't really feel much except maybe some relief that I knew this journey of mine was going to continue and that this was an opportunity to begin again. 

 Life happens, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it REALLY sucks, I know that it wasn't my ankles fault, I know being sick was not an excuse to enjoy a large blizzard multiple times a week, but that's the past now and the past is done and gone and there's nothing I can do now except move forward from here.

  So, 10 days ago, I decided to take charge of this thing called life and push forward with new goals and new motivation.  I'm happy to say 10 days in and I'm eating healthy, back to an aggressive workout routine and feeling incredible.  I may have slipped, I may have fallen from the wagon, hell the wagon drug my ass for a good long time, but I never once let go.  I knew the time would come that I would find the strength to pull my self back up, jump back on and show this life who's boss!  

Now's the time!

This Body

Today, I got the text I've been waiting for for a couple weeks. "Guess what I have ready?" It was my pictures!  For those of you who aren't aware, a couple weeks back I decided to hire my absolute favorite photographer to join me at a training session with Tina and told her I wanted this to be a "before" type session but in the documentary, storytelling style that makes Red Bird Hills so special and known around the country. 

Tasha is an INCREDIBLE photographer and I respect her very highly for the amazing stories she tells without a single word.  I've been dreaming of working with her for years and finally my time had come.  Here I was presenting this crazy idea to her that was completely different from the birth, family, and wedding photography she normally does and she LOVED it and I was relieved that I wasn't completely losing my mind.  I was very specific that I wanted this shoot to illustrate the struggle and the emotions, but also the love and connection I have with Tina.  As the day got closer there was a host of emotions that went through me....buyers remorse for one.  I'm a single mama with two little kids to take care of and here I was selfishly spending money on something that wasn't necessary.  Maybe it's mom syndrome and maybe it's just me....I have a VERY hard time spending money on anything that *I* want.  I'd much rather be on the giving/providing end of things.

After buyers remorse there was fear....straight up, plain old fear.  I couldn't decide what to wear or how to do my hair, however, I had to talk myself in to the fact this is supposed to be real and raw and I'm going to wear and do exactly what I would if the camera wasn't there.  On the drive to Total Wellness Coaching where Tina trains, I wanted to vomit from nerves.  I realize that people get their pictures taken all the time and that's stressful enough as it is and I also realize that people workout all the time, but no one wants to do both at the same time.  Some people have called me crazy.  Some people have called me brave, but believe me when I say it's been a LONG time since I've felt as vulnerable as I did that day.  I changed in to my normal gym clothes, sports bra, and tied on the bandana that I wear when I go to the gym on my own.  I put my hair up in the sloppy mess that I always do and I got down to business thinking that if these images turned out to be something I was ashamed of or embarrassed about the condition of my body, I wouldn't have to show anyone.  I could just keep them in their digital state and hide them away deep on my laptop or a USB that I would eventually lose or hide. 

But then we got to work....we did measurements, we lifted weights, we threw ropes, we boxed, we did everything that I love and all along the way, we shared stories of past bootcamps and how I met Tiffany and how one of the times that sticks out for Tina most was when I always fell out of a plank before the buzzer and how once when I did it, she got down next to me and told me to "get up!".  I told her I can't and she repeated again "get up!"  With my entire bootcamp class watching I hoisted my butt up and held that plank for a few more seconds.  When she told this story, I bawled of course, because I remembered it like it was yesterday and could FEEL her in my ear telling me to get up and to look at how much I have changed since then.  I've been through SO much since that day.  I'm not at all the person I was when I said "I can't"....and this body of mine has been through a LOT in it's 33 years.  2 kids, 2 abusive relationships, weight gain, weight loss, and gain again and again and again.  It has stretched and twisted and sweat and on occassions it has broken.  Literally in terms of a spiral ankle fracture and figuritively in terms of heart ache and anxiety and mental anguish, but this body....this one is mine and there's nothing that's going to change that.  I don't get another one and it will never be the same as it was in any point of my life, so I need to do the best I can to keep it up and running.

I am not proud of all of my choices, but I wouldn't change a single one for the world, because this body of mine has carried me through everything I've brought up against it and it deserves a reward.  Sure there is skin that hangs and sags and bulges and the images I'm about to show you are not all flattering, but they are real and raw and true and I will never hide behind an idea of what I think I (or anyone else) thinks I SHOULD look like.  I will never present myself falsely to ANYONE....there's enough women that do that and I wouldn't ever be proud to count myself as one of them.  I'm real and this is who I am, take it or leave it.

So without further adu, I present 100 images in 30 minutes from one of the most amazing photographers I know and shared with no one other than "my Tina".  I can't wait to see my transformation in to not who I want to be, but who I am meant to be....This is just the beginning folks!

Enjoy!

Photo Credit: http://www.redbirdhills.com/ Red Bird Hills Photography
Training Provided by: Tina Brown of Total Wellness Coaching http://www.mnpersonaltraining.com/

Please keep in mind that this gallery is for preview & ordering purposes only. You may not save any images from the gallery to your computer, take screen shots or mobile photos of them, post them to a web site (such as Facebook) or print in any way until they have been purchased in digital form. Thank you for your help in supporting my small business! Here is the link for the images: http://shop.redbirdhills.com/p529998694

Password: "Rebecca"

Profound

Have you ever come across a photo or sculpture or piece of art that speaks so deeply it touches the very core of who you are.  This morning that happened to me!  I logged in to Facebook this morning like I always do and checked my notifications and there in the middle of all the silliness was a post from my sister to a healthy living group that I administer and I just can't stop looking at the image.  I even made it my profile picture on my personal page.  This is that image!

It is so incredibly profound and spoke volumes and gives hope and realizm to this journey of mine....of OURS!  There are so many people that read this blog and go through hell and back with me every single day with this journey.

If any of you are interested in joining my healthy living group, PLEASE send a request.  This group is encouraging and supportive.  We share recipes, we share struggles, and accomplishments and welcome each member with the warm fuzzies all of need when we start out this journey.  There are men and women at every point in their journey.  Some have hit their goal and trying to maintain.  Some are just starting out and some are smack in the middle like me.  So feel free to come join us!!

Body By Me Healthy Living - https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/592570084180259/

An update on me....one of my littles was sick last week so three days I didn't get to the gym, the following day I was in the office which makes for a long day and Friday the kids were home from school.  This week I'm back at it and killing it!

That being said, I get to work with the amazing Tasha at Red Bird Hills to have a documentary/lifestyle photo shoot done of my "before" life/workout.  We'll be hanging out with the famous Tina.  Tina is going to put me through the wringer and push me to my limit and Tasha will be there to document the struggle, the sweat, the tears, the shape of my current body regardless of how much I dislike it.  In a year or so, we're going to do it all over again!  We're going to document the strength, the accomplishment, the triumph over this journey.  I can NOT wait!  I have DREAMED of being in front of Tasha's camera for years and I've always said I want her to be my wedding photographer.  I've also got another completely different shoot in mind when our family of 3 becomes a family of 6 this year, so working with Tasha is really a dream come true for me.  Working with her multiple times in one year blows my mind!

I can't believe you did that!

Last weekend, I went to breakfast with a good friend of mine that I don't see near enough and among other topics in the two hours we spent sipping tea, giggling, and such we talked about my healthy lifestyle and my blog and my divorce and the breaking point and somewhere in our conversation was the phrase "I can't believe you tell people what you weigh!"  My response was simply "Do you think you or anyone that knows me thinks differently of me because they know 'the number'?"  They might know my number is 275 (or about that), they might also know that I was 222 at my lightest 3.5 years ago.  They might know that my pant size is a 20 and that at 222 I wore an 11/12.  

These numbers only define what rack I buy my clothes and the actual mass of this body of mine.  They don't tell you a single other thing about me.  They don't say whether I'm healthy, they don't say whether I'm kind or funny or a good mom.  They don't tell you one single valuable thing about me.  

While technically that number is no ones business it IS a measurable factor in my journey to a smaller me and that's all, so why WOULDN'T I give it out just as I would my height?  Why should I hide behind a number?  In fact giving out that number and all of my future numbers along the way will simply illustrate my progress.  And a lot of people look at me and say "you don't look like you weigh 275".....so tell me what does 275 look like?  What does ANY weight "look like"?

This is what 150 looks like!  Is it what you imagined?

At one point in my life I took a lot of pride in saying "I lost 180 lbs", but I took more pride in saying "I ran a 5K" or "I'm the strongest one in bootcamp" or "I boxed with a dude tonight and held my own".  There's more to life than the number on a scale.  And for those of you curious....here's what 275 looks like (the picture on the left).  The picture on the right.....that's what 274.2 looks like!

Stay off the scale and stay focused on your goals and most of all stay honest....honest with your friends, honest with your family, your significant other, but most of all, be honest with yourself.  You don't "need" a magic pill, or a surgeon, or anything other than your own two feet.  One in front of the other, slow and steady wins the race and that's something to be proud of!  

15 days in to the new year and I feel great about my choices and my accomplishment, physically and mentally, and I feel great that I have some awesome friends tackling this journey with me!  Proud of all you ladies that are doing things the right way!  Don't get discouraged by those that are so ashamed of themselves that they try to fool those around them.  Be sad for them, because they will never truly understand what it's like to be proud.

Stories....mine and yours

As you all know, this blog has been up and running for 4 1/2 years and it's been a full 33 1/2 years since I've battled my weight.  Yup, since the day I was born.  For most of my life, it was taboo to talk about "fat" (the noun as well as the adjective) and it was embarrassing to admit weight was an issue.  It's been embarrassing to my family and most are still uncomfortable talking about their struggles or mine.

I'm not sure exactly WHEN it happened or why or even how but I got to a point in my life where I couldn't hide behind the fat and taboo and uncomfortable feelings anymore.  It's not a secret, so why should I pretend that it is.  It's also not something to joke about or make fun of.  Maybe it was the day my BFF asked me to be in her wedding back in 2010.  Maybe I got to a point where I was tired of battling by myself.  Maybe I needed an outlet, a journal of sorts and when I get passionate and start writing by hand I squeeze the pen tighter and my hand aches, so I chose a keyboard instead.  Maybe just maybe it happened without me even knowing, I don't remember, but I know I don't keep quiet anymore and I haven't for a long time.  

This body of mine is nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing to hide behind, and it's certainly not a secret that I struggle EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY with my weight and food and exercise and the millions of habits and emotions that have been ingrained in my brain growing up.  So, for 4 and a half years I have put myself out there.  Let everyone hear my story, let everyone see pictures of my body that I would've never DREAMED of showing before.  I've posted food and checked in at the gym and maybe to some people on my friends list it's annoying and boring and unnecessary and maybe it is.  Maybe it's not any of anyone's business what I'm eating or when I go to the gym or what I'm buying at the grocery store.  Some people say it's dangerous to "check in" on facebook, because a crazy murdering stalker might find me and hang me right there from the smith machine.  Maybe they're right!  BUT, what if I take the chance and someone who is struggling in silence reads my post or sees my recipe.  Maybe someone who is still ashamed and scared to talk about or post pictures of themselves.  Maybe there is someone out there who doesn't have anyone to talk to or confide in about their struggles.  Maybe they see me and don't feel so alone anymore.  If there is just ONE person on my friends list (or on my friends' friends list) that I can provide some HOPE to....you're DAMN RIGHT I'm going to put it out there.  There is NOTHING in my life that is a secret, I'm totally an open book, for this very specific reason and I will NOT change for anything.  

I've had a couple friends ask me what I do at the gym or what foods I eat or how in the world I stay motivated.  Some have asked for meal plans or for me to share what vitamins I take and HOW to work out and eat right.  I'm always so flattered that anyone would come to a 275 lb single mom to ask for advice on how to be healthy.  It baffles me.

This morning a beautiful woman on my friends list message me, whom I've never had the pleasure of actually meeting messaged me in what I can only imagine was a moment of strength, or weakness, or hopelessness and confided that a doctor had suggested she try bariatric surgery and she didn't want to go that route.  She wanted to do it the "right" way.  I can not even EXPLAIN how much I wanted to get in my car drive to her house and hug her SO SO SO tight!  I wanted to hold her hand and tell her she's doing the right thing and hug her again.  Instead I told her how proud I was of her and asked how I could help as tears welled in my eyes.  Not out of pity and not out of sadness for her or any of that.  I don't "feel sorry" for people, everyone in the place their in because they have a story.  An incredible long, tough, story and that what makes all of us different and amazing and NO ONE can take that away from you.  I cry partially because I get to help this beautiful lady change her story.  I get to be PART OF that story, just like so many important women have been part of mine.  Someone has seen my story, heard my struggles and identified with them and now she's gotten the courage to take the next step and ask for help.....MY help.

In my eyes I'm a 275 lb out of shape mommy of 2 that struggles every day.  Emotionally, financially, and physically to make my and my kids' lives the best it can be.  In someone else's eyes I'm an inspiration, I'm a sign of hope.  It's an amazing, incredible feeling.

THANK YOU to everyone who has allowed me to be part of your story! YOU are my motivation!  <3

Frustration turned motivation

I originally started writing the following post in a private healthy living group that I manage and then when I got to the end and had completely changed my own state of mind, I decided it needed to be something that everyone reads!  Happy New Year!  

So after not getting on the scale for a full month (I have scale obsession issues) and working out 4-5 days a week, eating clean and healthy and 90% of the time completely within my calories.....I've only lost .6 while a loss is a loss, that's sure not much and not the 2lbs a week I was hoping for.  

That being said the workouts I have been doing are very strength based which is building muscle and my numbers and strength are going up every single week.  My clothes aren't necessarily looser, but they definitely look better on this body of mine.  My body may not be getting much lighter, but the shape of it is definitely changing.

So what's my point?  I'm not really 100% sure.  I think I just needed to talk this out and while I'm dealing with a little frustration on the scale end of things this morning, I'm trying really really hard to stay positive and focus on the things that ARE improving.  I'm trying to talk to myself as if I was one of my own friends with the same issue.  Would I say "yup, you suck, just give up!" or "wow, all that working out, all that logging, all those healthy choices sure we're a waste!"  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I would never talk to anyone, especially a friend, so why in the world would I talk to myself that way?  Today, on New Years Eve 2015, I'm going to choose to be my own best friend and I'm going to choose to say "remember, you've been doing a lot of strength training and your body is changing for the better regardless of the number on the scale".  I would say "you're moving and you weren't before" and "you are improving your health with the food choices you're making no matter what that stupid scale tells you" and "I have noticed a huge beautiful change in the shape of your body.  Your face, legs, butt, and most importantly, your smile.  When you make healthy food choices and exercise, that smile I love gets bigger and I know my best friend is feeling healthier and more confident with every bite and every lift" and the one thing I would say to my best friend if I were her is "don't give up!  Whatever you do, just keep doing what you're doing, because it's making you better than you were before in so many ways"

2015 is going to be my year and I refuse to let a stupid scale tell me anything different!

Unstoppable

It's been a couple weeks since I've checked in here on the blog and thought I would share some updates with you all.  First things first, I've been back to the gym for 3 weeks now and really starting to see some changes. Every week I improve in some small way.  The weights are easier to lift so I can do more reps or increase the weight and I'm starting to SEE improvements too.  This morning I noticed my calves DEFINITELY had a lot more shape to them and my arms are starting to define (from my perspective) a tiny bit.  One thing some people probably don't know about me is that I really obsess about my arms.  That was one of my favorite things when I used to do bootcamp and boxing and all of that.  When I could touch my arms and outline the definition of the muscles with the tips of my fingers without flexing.  It was awesome!  And don't get me wrong, I don't have a muscle fetish or anything, I just really feel good when I can see my muscle tone under all the fluff that is slowly melting away.  I usually get about 4-5 days a week in the gym and follow a 6 day routine, so if I miss a day or two, I just pick up where I left off in my routine and don't stress about it.  The kids and I have both gotten in a good habit of getting up plenty early to get them to daycare in time for mom to go to the gym before work.  Even after Christmas yesterday we were all exhausted and I debated on letting everyone sleep in and catch up, but that's what the weekends for and with the kids home, I won't be able to get to the gym anyway....soooooooo why not get up early today, get to the gym and save Saturday and Sunday for relaxing, right?

Since it's December 26th, I've successfully survived multiple Christmas parties without being run over by the healthy eating wagon.  There were some instances where I wasn't faced with much, if any, healthy options and I just did my best and even indulged slightly, but at the next meal I was right back to my healthy eating.  For instance, at work the lunch that was catered for us was Pot Belly sandwiches, pasta salad, cole slaw, chips, and cookies.  I chose a chicken and cheddar sandwich, chips, and a chocolate brownie cookie....yup, TOTALLY a crap meal and the carb overload and crash that followed wasn't enjoyable in the least, but I knew it was coming, I planned for it and I survived and still had 211 calories left when I went to bed that night.  I didn't throw my life away because of one lousy meal.  I logged it before I took a single bite and I moved on.  Had the cookie put me over my daily calorie goal, I would've skipped it, but because my breakfast was so lean, I had some wiggle room.  I don't "plan" to have a "cheat day" or even a "cheat meal", but when a situation presents itself that I know my choices are extremely limited I plan my day around that meal.  LOTS of water before and after too.

Yesterday was another challenging day for me.  Not only were there plenty of treats, but the "meal" we had with family was a culmination of different appetizers and I had ZERO control over what ingredients were used, but my mom was mindful of the way my boyfriend and I eat and took that in to consideration.  Instead of preparing the crab cups with JUST wonton wrappers, she made some with quiona cups.  They were pretty darn tasty!  We also had chicken wings, veggies and dip, pickle wrap dip (essentially chopped up pickle wraps) and buffalo chicken dip which I ate with celery instead of crackers.  She even made "cheese crisps" which were basically baked Parmesan Aregiano cheese in the shape of large crackers.  They were super tasty!  So while the day was probably higher in fat than my typical day I did not leave cravings carbs, so I'm calling it a success.  I even ate a piece of two of her homemade candy, logged it, and moved on.

Overall I'm very very proud of my accomplishments and yet while I've been at the gym, I keep seeing myself in the mirror, the rolls and lumps and all of that and I think about how our own views of ourselves are undoubtedly skewed because we see ourselves in the mirror every single day and being somewhat of a lifestyle/documentary type photographer, I soooooo wished I could document this journey.  So what do I do?  Well, I contacted my most favoritest photographer in the whole wide world and asked her if she would be interested in running with this crazy idea.....and thankfully she was TOTALLY game and even excited to help me document my journey.

Something else I probably haven't mentioned on my blog before....partially because I don't want people to think it's a goal for attention and partially because it might be a little crazy and one helluva long shot....I want to be in People Magazine.  Yup, the national magazine sold on thousands of news stands across America. Not just any old issue, but ever since I started trying to change my life (shortly after graduating high school) I've wanted to be one of the featured folks in the January issue of People called "Half Their Size".  I don't want to be featured for having my organs rearranged and physically being forced to lose weight by some half cracked physician.  I want to inspire people by letting them know that you CAN do this on your own.  With a lot of hard work....it's NOT impossible.  Anyone CAN....it's just a matter of who WILL.  I want to give the hopeless hope.  I want to be an example.  I want to inspire and wouldn't that be probably one of the coolest ways to do it?!?!

So that being said.....I'm so so so excited to work with Tasha Herrgott of Red Bird Hills Photography to document my story in multiple photo shoots and regardless if I appear in People Magazine or not, I am proud of what I'm doing and I'll be even more proud when 2015 becomes the year that I reach my goals!

Back on the Bronc

If there's one thing my dad taught me, it's if you fall off the horse, you have to get back on.  That's so true in so many aspects of life, including this healthy journey of mine!

Today I'm officially back to the gym.  It was chest and abs today.  I went in, surrounded by meat heads puffing and groaning and grunting so hard I thought maybe I accidentally walked on the set of a porn!  Not the case.  Just a few dudes with more muscle than brains and here comes the chubby girl thinking she's going to bench press.  Of course, the chubby girl whacks her head on the bar getting in position to do her first bench press, EVER.  Ugh!

But guess what? The chubby girl did her best and she walked out of that gym proud!

As far as nutrition, I'm struggling.  I'm not struggling to keep it under control.  I'm not struggling to keep myself from diving in to a vat of Nutella and eating my way out.  My head is definitely in check, but in having a hard time getting my recommended 220 grams of protein and my eyes have opened incredibly to what proteins are high in fat, sodium, etc.  I'm tracking my food with MyFitnessPal (come be my friend!) and I have my goals custom set to what Tina and I and this book I'm reading have worked out.  That being said, it's just a guideline, not a rule.  If I'm hungrier one day, I'm going to eat.  If I don't get all my calories or protein or carbs, it's ok.  I really just have to listen to this hot-chick-in-training body of mine and let it tell me what it's needs are.

Here's the workout I followed today.  Chest and arms and when I left the gym, I didn't feel sore, therefore I felt like i didn't accomplish much and throughout the day, there wasn't much mention of tenderness in my muscles....and then as I moved the unmatched pile of socks from my bed to the laundry basket and had to engage my abs just a smudge....I felt it.  My familiar friend.  That accomplished, addicting, exhilarating, AMAZING muscle ache that I use as a gauge for how hard/well I've worked.  Call me a masochist, but it hurt really really good!  And then I raised my arms to change in to PJs and there was the ache of the chest muscles...I'm satisfied and happy with my work today.  Tomorrow is another day to do better and be better than yesterday and I'm not going to waste it.

Remember, if you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't train hard enough.  Hot messes unite!!!

"The heart is not so easily changed"

Ever hear that before?  Well if you've seen the movie Frozen a bazillion times, like I have, you may have heard it once or twice.  Literally speaking, he was talking about Elsa striking Anna in the head with her powers, but figuratively, it was so much more than that.

Today I had a conversation with the famous Tina and she said "Becky, I give you permission to be healthy and happy.  To make yourself a daily priority and to give yourself the time and energy to exercise and eat healthy every day.  To pamper and take care of your beautiful body, mind and soul."  Just words right? Well literally speaking yes, but they struck a cord that hadn't been struck in 3 1/2 years.  One that was beaten and bruised last time it was struck.  Last time this cord sounded more like "you are obsessed with working out", "you are obsessed with eating healthy", "you are leaving the kids home with someone else so you can feed your obsession and it has to stop".  I got defensive, I fired back about how there are worse things to obsessed with and likely even threw the phrase we've all heard a million times "I can't take care of them, if I don't take care of me first" to which I was accused of being selfish and a less than adequate mother.  If anyone knows me, being a sub-par mom is one of my greatest fears and while my head knew the accusations were said out of pure fear and ignorance, my heart was bruised and those words have stuck with me. Tucked away in some far away dark corner of myself and today someone brought them to life.  Someone gave me permission, someone told me it's ok to take care of myself and it made me realize I've been turning away help for years because of those words.  I've been turning away offers to take the kids so I can do Zumba or yoga or whatever in fear of being seen as a bad mom.

I cried and then I texted the incredible man in my life and told him I would take him up on his offers to help.  He doesn't offer because he thinks I can't handle working out and being a good mom.  He doesn't offer because he feels obligated to or because I've tied him up in some guilty trip.  He offers because he loves me and he knows I love the gym and Zumba and yoga and he wants to see me happy.  And THAT, my friends, is an incredible and overwhelming feeling for someone who's never had a genuinely loving, supportive partner before.

So I'm going to dry my tears and take my ass to the gym!

Sick of being sick

As some of you know, my littles and I have been struck down with the flu and the bacterial junk that followed, so not much blogging (or anything for that matter) lately.  Now that I feel like I'm on the upswing again and headed in the right direction, I figured I better get back at it!

Number 1 I'm so proud to say that a full week of being sick and the stress dealing with two very ill little ones and I did not falter once.  Not once did I go for crackers or toast or grilled cheese.  Not once did I punish my already I'll body with anything that would not feed its need to heal.

That being said, I did stick to easy meals and snacks if anyone's appetite called for anything at all, but I've been missing cooking.  So, tonight, I made something new that will likely be a staple through the winter.  I made a delicious gumbo (minus rice) that was so warm and hearty, I wish I could have every one of you for dinner to share.  Well, that and I made an ENORMOUS pot for the three of us to eat.  Get the big pot out folks, here's the recipe....now remover I don't measure much, so adjust to taste.

Rice less Gumbo

2 lbs of chicken breasts (cut in bite sized pieces

Kielbasa (or other ring sausage) 

Uncooked shrimp - tails removed

Ham - diced

A package of celery

2-3 bell peppers 

2 yellow onions

Lots of garlic

Old bay seasoning

Cajun seasoning

1 big can of fire roasted diced tomatoes

1 can of navy beans (wish I would've used more)

1/2 boxes of chicken stock

1/2 stick of unsalted butter (yup, the real stuff!!)

In a stock pot, melt the butter and sautée the onions.  Add other veggies, stock, meats (except shrimp) and seasoning.  Simmer approx 20-30 minutes until chicken is cooked through.  Add shrimp, simmer approx 3 additional minutes until shrimp is opaque.

Serve!!! Yum!!

A little prep, but pretty easy and I had it ready when the kids came home so they just sat down and scarfed down a bowl full.  You could easily add or subtract veggies or meats to suit your taste or add more Cajun seasoning or some cays me for a little more bite.  You could easily add some Quinoa to the mix as well if you felt so inclined, I didn't.

I'll likely be eating this deliciousness for a while, but I've also got chicken parm muffins on this weeks list as well as pizza quiche and some breakfast stuffed sweet potatoes!  Mmmmmmm until then, I'm going to nestle down in my bed with a cough drop and pin myself to sleep.

Goodnight world!

Proud Sugar Detoxer

Well this morning was my "weigh in" day.  Tina and I chatted and decided the first of every month is a good day.  Mind you my last weigh in was two weeks ago, but I have a special person that is going to join me in weighing every month instead of weekly to support me in avoiding unhealthy behaviors. 

I'd mentioned to both my amazing boyfriend and my amazing trainer that I wasn't feeling much different and that I wanted to get on the scale SO bad at the beginning of this week.  Because both of these people are so wonderfully supportive, the coaxed me in to staying off the scale and waiting for November 1.

Anyway, I didn't even think of it until later in the morning and then because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink yet, I stripped down, climbed on the scale and WHOA!!!  I'd lost 11 lbs in 2 weeks!  THAT is exciting and an amazing way to start the weekend and recover from a stressful Friday evening.

Speaking of stressful, I have to share my success last night and something I'm super super proud of!  Normally the Fridays the kids leave to visit their dad is stressful for me, to say the least.  I normally end up in a foul mood and isolate myself from people for the evening.  I might play around on FB or Pinterest, but I won't answer my phone, depending on the person I may not even answer text messages or instant messages.  BUT, the last couple Fridays have been a little bit easier and BOTH Fridays I've managed to not stop at every Culver's on the way home to get a double scoop waffles cone of the flavor of the day or indulge in multiple chocolate candy bars, donuts, cookies, etc.  For some reason, those foods seemed to comfort me in some strange way.  ESPECIALLY last night, after trick or treating I had quite an abudance of candy riding in two smiling orange faced buckets in my back seat and my kids never would've known had I devoured 1/2 of each of those buckets, but guess what....by the time I got home, I'd forgotten the candy was even in the car.  At one point I was feeling munchy, so we stopped at a convenience store to use the bathroom and get a snack.  I grabbed a single serving bag of Blue Diamond Almonds and two 32 oz bottles of water and enjoyed every nibble and sip.  I've found that the Blue Diamond Almonds (especially the spicy versions) help my hunger and cravings a TON!

There are currently two ridiculously large tubs of Halloween Candy on my kitchen table and at this very moment, I couldn't care less about them and I intend to keep it that way.

I've talked to my trainer and I may or may not start adding fruits back in to my daily intake.  I may keep them eliminated for another two weeks, however, she's given me the ok to introduce them back in slowly (1 each day as a treat).  Two more weeks to ditch the sugar cravings and I think I'll be ready to head back to some hard core workouts at the gym. 

The reason I'm waiting?  After a workout I crave carbs HORRIBLY and paired with the slight cravings I'm still experiencing here and there, I feel like it may be too much for me at this point.

Happy November folks!  The holiday feasting season has begun and it's time to take control of that season rather than letting IT control YOU.

Tough

Today has been one of those tough days where I feel like I want to throw in the towel, dive in to an overflowing vat of carbohydrates (mostly bread and butter and chocolate - separately of course) and eat my way out!

Some of my toughest days are when I'm sure I'm failing as a mom.  When a road block of behavior arises and you don't know what to do.  Moms are supposed to know everything and do everything and make everything better (hence the cape, right)?

I had a pretty strong heart to heart with myself tonight and gave myself a pep talk over and over again.  "One taste" "one bite" "one sandwich" "one meal" "one day" "one week" "one month" of crap eating never hurt anyone, right?  But that's the way it snowballs.  It just gets bigger and bigger until every shit I give is completely gone and then there is a little voice that says "wait a minute" "slow down".  A little whisper that says "you're better, stronger, more powerful than that" "what about the cruise?" "What about the dress?" "What about.......life?"  And then there's this clarity and s renewed sense of determination.  The truth is....I don't want to the fat mom anymore.  I don't want to be the one who restarts a million times.  I don't want to be the one people think of as not reaching her goal.  And I resolved a long time ago (11 years to be exact) that I wasn't going to be a fat bride.  I failed miserably at that 8 years ago and if someday I get the chance again, I don't want to fail twice.

I want the energy, I want the pride, and I want the self esteem and it's not going to just show up out of the blue on its own.  I have to WORK for it.  Haven't I always said to not take the easy way out and that I'm going to bust my ass?  I encourage people to be their best and do their best all the time and if I were to cave and indulge....just once....that's not MY best.

Today.....tonight....stress in over drive, I did my best.  I vented, asked for help and ate the last of the damn pumpkin chili!

Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing I really DID do my best.

Survival

Today was ROUGH to say the least!  Partially because I had to get up early, partially because it's day 4 of this sugar detox and partially because I was surrounded by carbs (pasta, breadsticks, and chocolate cake!) not to mention the "snack shop" was just steps from my cubicle.  Definition of snack shop? A pile of candy, cookies, muffins, chips, etc.....SUCKED!!

Anyway, today I ate a LOT of pumpkin chili and to stave off the cravings, I had the "healthy heart" nut mix and an ENTIRE container of yellow cherry tomatoes!

But guess what?  I made it through, I survived!  Not one tiny slip and tonight I'm going to bed SUPER proud!!

Pre-breakfast snack - heart healthy nut mix

Breakfast - pumpkin chili

Lunch - pumpkin chili

Snack - heart healthy nut mix

Second snack - cherry tomatoes

Dinner - 3 eggs, mushrooms, onion, and garlic scramble

Oh!!!! And yesterday I had quite an experience with a restaurant in savage.

I planned to go out to dinner with one of my best girlfriends and one of our favorite places is Buffalo Tap.  I reviewed the menu online before going and talked to Tina and we'd decided on grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and a side salad.  We arrived and ordered and the waitress tells me they don't have steamed, grilled or any other kind of vegetables except the various higher calorie salad offerings at which she smirked and made a snide comment about them not being a healthy restaurant.  I ordered the Cobb salad with balsamic vinegrette and got on with my night.

I survived cheese curds, mini corn dogs, and the fried breadstick that came with my salad!  It was a great evening and I woke up this morning having a "skinny day"

Happy Thursday!  Bring on the weekend!!

Go and get it

Today has been just a plain 'ol normal day with nothing exciting to speak of.

That being said I had some extraordinary thoughts and motivation and it feels so good to be in my preferred frame of mind again.

First of all, I got to talk to one of my former trainers and I told her my plan for becoming a trainer myself one day and feeling like I needed to "get my head right".

Shortly after I got an instant message from a woman that soon will be considered family, thanking me for being so transparent and sharing my story and struggles and told me how I've affected her.  Now, I've heard things similar to this in the past, more or less profound, but it didn't hit me as hard as it did today.  Today I realized by NOT working toward my goals I wasn't getting where I wanted to be.  No brainer right?  Well sometimes when your head is somewhere else or when life and stress and all of that get in the way, it's hard to lose sight of what I want.

So what DO I want?

I want to inspire people and I want to help people and while discussing my struggles openly I give people hope they are not alone and while I struggle I learn.  Isn't that what life is about anyway?  Learning and growing as a person.  While clearly I would love to see my magic number on the scale, but moreso I want to FEEL good, I want to DO good, I want to BE good.  In order to do, and feel, and be good, I need to get my head in the game and do my damnedest to keep it there!

So far today, it's been a good day!  I combatted my sugar cravings and got through them completely unharmed and feeling amazing and proud.

Breakfast - Sweet Potato, Black Bean and Kale hash

Lunch - loads of celery with Almond Butter

Dinner - Pumpkin Chili

Hard decisions

So during this challenge I've been doing seemingly well.  That being said, it's an unhealthy progression and I've fallen back in to some old anxiety and obsessive behaviors that I'm not proud of.  I have "scale issues", which isn't exactly what you may think unless you've followed my blog for a while.  Basically I get wrapped up more in the number on the scale rather than my own health.  It seems when a competition is involved and I feel the pressure of pulling a good number, I would weigh myself once a day and in some cases multiple times a day, so I made the decision to continue facilitating the challenges for those that would like to take part, but that I would opt out.  I had a heart heart with my favorite trainer and decided it's best I only get on the scale once a month and focus on making good choices rather than the number that seems to be wrongly used to determine success or failure.  If I don't pull the number I think I should, I end up feeling like I failed or like a fraud.  I would overdose on Miralax to get a higher number, especially if I felt like the number could be considerably better.

That being said, the cruise I have booked with my amazing boyfriend, my sister, and her boyfriend is exactly 18 weeks out and while I would LIKE to be back to 222 by then (my lowest adult weight), it's just not realistic and I understand that, so my goal instead is to be back in my size 18 jeans.  I've even bought some clothes lately that are a size or two too small for the cruise to use as motivation.

So today, I started a "Back to Basics" sugar detox.  Simply it's protein and vegetables and that's it.

I was nervous after a long weekend up north with my kids showing them exactly what NOT to eat (see mom fail!) but I survived today with three protein and veggie rich meals!

Breakfast - 3 egg omelette with mushrooms, green onions, ham, and a smidgen of Italian cheese

Lunch - leftover from last week Sweet Potato, Kale and Black Bean Hash (the sweet potato is not an ideal sugar detox food, there's a large amount left over and it broke my heart to waste it)

Snack - ham slices (just enough to hold me over so I could cook dinner)

Dinner - Pumpkin Chili

Sautéed onions and garlic

2 large cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes

2 cans of pumpkin (NOT the pie filling)

2 cans of black beans

1 can of white beans 

1 can of garbanzo beans (aka chickpeas)

2 cans of water

Cumin and Chili powder to taste

Yum yum yum!!!!

Time to shred

So a couple weeks ago, my honey, my sister, her boyfriend, and I decided that we were going to book a cruise to South America!  Yup, heat, sun, and very little clothing on a ship or beach or jungle for 7 days....sounds like fun right?  Well, it's definitely a little intimidating when you have gained a ton of weight.  The challenge is helping a ton and the cruise is a great motivator for me now that it's booked rather than being a reward IF I can lose weight.

I've been doing relatively well.  I'm following a modified Paleo type lifestyle (about 80/20 right now) and have started moving a lot more not that the weather isn't beastly hot!  In fact, the kids and I played on bikes and running up and down the skate ramps in town on Sunday for a good hour and played at the park yesterday for over an hour.  Tonight we have appointments and such, but before that we'll take a picnic dinner to my "secret spot" in town where I'm planning a couple photo shoots to spend some time together before we go to our appointment.  On my lunch, my intention is the new 30 Day Shred DVD I got in the mail yesterday!  CAN NOT WAIT to do something new and right here in my living room to break up my work day.  I'm hoping to get a good workout and have it be some good stress relief from the day as well.

I'm fairly happy with where I am in the competition right now.  More so, I'm happy that my energy levels are through the roof, my stomach issues have settled down, and I'm starting to feel "normal" again....well as normal as *I* can be anyway....What IS normal anyway?  Oh forget it. That's a topic for another day.

That's all for now folks....here's a recipe I shared with my fellow competitors that I whipped up last week and the whole family loved!

Inside Out Pizza Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

6 HUGE servings - 269 calories per serving

4 sweet potatoes lightly sautéed
1 large yellow onion - sautéed
One package of sliced mushrooms - sautéed
1 lb ground sweet Italian sausage
3 cans of diced tomatoes seasoned with salt free Italian seasoning and garlic
1 cup of shredded Parmesan.

All in a glass baking dish and baked for about 30 minutes!

This little invention came from the fact that we LOVED pizza stuffed sweet potatoes, but they were a little cumbersome to eat and took some time to prepare, so throwing them in a pan and baking was a lot easier on both ends! :)

Blogger Fail

Well, my blogging took a serious dump....here we are starting a new challenge and I haven't blogged for MONTHS!

Anywho, this challenge has a new set of people and I'm anxious to see how everything goes.

As for me, my life has been tough to say the least the last couple months.  I took an $1100 per month decrease in budget, so I had to accommodate that.  One thing that I knew I COULD give up was the healthy food I spent several hundred dollars a month to eat.  I KNEW the change was only temporary and I just had to get the kids and I by for a couple months, so I'm swallowing my pride to say that we were frequent shoppers at two different local food pantries.  Now don't feel sorry for me, because it worked...we made it through and we're always stronger after these struggles.  That being said, my waist line suffered.  The cute jeans my honey bought me last summer don't fit anymore and I'm at a higher weight than I've been in MANY years.  I've been struggling with some digestion/stomach issues as well.  I'm convinced it was the major shock to my system from making such a drastic food consumption change, but the guys with the PhDs don't think that has anything to do with it, yet they can't give me an answer for the pain.  Colonoscopy is the next fun thing on my agenda...BLECH!

Anywho, I'm bag on the proverbial track now and headed in the right direction.  That being said, there are a couple motivators that are laid out in front of me.  Not just the money from the challenge, because money is not a huge motivator to me (weird right?), but there's a chance I may be able to photograph a wedding in Hawaii in a couple years and my sister, her boyfriend, me and my honey are hopefully planning an all inclusive Mexican getaway and who wants to feel muy gordo laying among the palm trees and swim up bars?  NOT ME!  So I'm attempting to channel my excitement for these potential adventures in to motivation to get in shape.  It's worked before right? (see My Story from the Home Page).

So let's get this party started!  Challengers ready? GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Check this out!  A couple weeks ago, my friend Sara texted me and asked me what I thought about a challenge where all the participants contribute a set amount of money and then the winner takes all....I told her we'd done that at work before a long time ago and it was always good healthy competition (pun totally intended!).  So we took the idea and ran with it creating a completely secret group on Facebook and recruiting participants that each would pay $20 plus $1 for every pound gained for the duration of the competition (8 weeks).  Well.....we ended up with 26 competitors....that's $540!!!! YOWZA!  I never expected it to be this large of a group, but it's going to be an absolute BLAST!  There are some amazing men and women taking part in the challenge and we have a Paleo focused and Crossfit trainer friend to help us out along with my very own personal trainer, the amazing Tina (she's kind of a big deal around here).  We'll be posting discussion topics, motivational quotes, mini challenges, and strength challenges as well.  I started off this competition at 269.2 lbs....Yup, that's up for a few months ago.  I have this issue where I bounce back and forth in this 10-15 lb mark and can't seem to get past it....well $540 prize should help that!!  However, I'm not going to be completely heartbroken if I don't win the challenge....because every single one of the folks participating is JUST as deserving and I would absolutely ecstatic to see ANY of them take the money home as well!

So here we go....Day 1 report:

Breakfast:
2 eggs
2 slices of bacon

Snack:
1 plum

Lunch:
Egg bake (yes, I know too many eggs, but I was eating at my mom's)
1 plum

Dinner:
Shredded Chicken
Steamed Broccoli
Sliced Strawberries
1/2 of a "Shamrock Shake" (avocado, peppermint oil, coconut milk, stevia, vanilla)

Lots of walking and squatting thanks to a family photo session I did today too!  Not the intensity I should've had, but it's a start and it's more than I would've gotten with my bum on the sofa.

GAME ON!!!!!

New Outlook, New Goals and LOTS of updates!

So shortly after the WLC I thought I was pretty much invincible....NOT the case.  I thought I had this lifestyle down pat after 8 weeks and nothing was going to change that....NOT the case.  I'm not sure when it happened, but I definitely know how it happened....little by little and all of a sudden I'm completely off track and gaining and it's NOT a good feeling.  I went from being perfectly on track, losing weight feeling on top of the world and sometime shortly before or around Easter I went to eating barely anything all day and then eating WAY too much at night and then I was indulging more times than  I should have and was out of control.  Blindly and all of sudden little by little I lost control and anyone who knows me KNOWS out of control is one of the worst things I can be.

That being said, I also started meeting with my trainer again....yup, she's mine again.  Tina and I have worked out a random schedule and we have a plan in place to get me back on track.  First of all, was a little evaluation, workout, and a detox of sorts...."Back to Basics" is what Tina has always called it.  It was VERY VERY basic...to the point of boring and I felt VERY deprived and because I'm an emotional eater and this came out left field so I wasn't prepared on ANY level, it took a second attempt and a start over to get through the 5 days on nothing but poulty, fish, veggies, protein shakes, and water.  That's it.  No fruit, no nuts, eggs, seasoning or condiments.  It was challenging, but I eventually made it through and have brought back fruits now.

Going forward, I am doing my best to follow the paleo lifestyle and putting a lot of focus in to yoga.  Not only is it relaxing and good for flexibility, it's an incredibly body weight workouts.  I have some other plans of Tina's that I will put in to play several times a week in addition to the yoga, but a LOT of my focus will be on yoga, clean eating, and enjoying life.

Speaking of enjoying life....my Mother's Day gift from my mom was this GORGEOUS sherbert colored cruiser bike that I can take for family bike rides around town this summer and I absolutely can NOT wait for it to arrive and get it assembled!

Tina and I had a chat about motivation when we got together last week and I told her I felt awful for letting down my man.  We'd made a deal that if we lost a combined 60 lbs, we would plan a cruise and go together.  He did awesome and rocked the hell out of weight loss....I didn't.  I didn't gain, but I didn't lose either....I'm really good at staying in the 250ish range and hanging tight there.  I didn't get to the gym as much as I could have and I didn't apply myself as much as I could've and I think I realized it's because I'm not motivated by material things.....vacations, gifts, etc....those are all nice and wonderful, but they don't motivate me.  Tina said it best when she said "people motivate you" and she hit the nail on the head.  PEOPLE, RELATIONSHIPS, INTERACTION....THAT is what motivates ME.  An acquantance of mine came to me last week and started the conversation by saying "I've been facebook stalking you...." that's always great right?  RIGHT?!?!?!?!  Anyway, it was in a good way and she'd discovered some old pictures and figured out on her own the strides I'd made in improving my health the last several years and was curious if I could help her too.  This same girl I see on a regular basis and she's been a part of professional circle for a good chunk of time, but we'd never really gotten a chance to chat and get to know each other on a personal level....well that line has been drawn and raced across....we were MEANT to know each other and MEANT to be a part of each other's personal lives.  We have SO much in common.  From our past with bad relationships and men to our struggles and battles with up and down weight loss and gain, diets, etc and we are both with the men of our dreams now and ready to change our lives.....together.  Me helping her, helps me....does that make sense?  I can't wait to get together with her and the man of her dreams and help them set attainable goals and help them get to those goals!  She and I were CLEARLY meant to be friends! <3

Now that being said, I've decided I need to rethink and refocus some of my goals.  ANYONE who knows me well knows I'm the type who is all or nothing and for me to be successful, that HAS to change a little bit. Today, I've been thinking hard about how to proceed forward.  I am a goal driven person, so I NEED to have a goal and currently, there wasn't anything concrete in place.  So I decided that the easiet goal to monitor is weight.  GRANTED I preach all the time that weight is just a number on the scale and I still whole heartedly believe that, so I'm setting myself up for success my not making my goal SO aggressive that it ends up stressing me out, forcing me in to sabotaging myself.  This time my motto is "Slow and steady wins the race", so my number one goal is to be under 200 lbs by Christmas.  Judging from the weight I was on the scale with Tina (in the evening and after I'd eaten all day) that would be 2.5 lbs per week.  TOTALLY doable and VERY healthy and I know I've dropped a good chunk of that already from the "Back to Basics Detox" I referred to earlier, so it really should've be a problem, but it's aggressive enough that I have to stay focused or I could easily bomb.  I would LOVE to be under 200 by labor day, but I think that is pushing it and the last thing I want is to feel defeated just a couple months before the holidays are in full swing, so we'll keep it simple and unstressful.

I know I have a lot of people on my side and I have a lot of people rooting for me and I KNOW I can do this.  I HAVE to do this.

Here comes the first day of the rest of my life......