Unstoppable

It's been a couple weeks since I've checked in here on the blog and thought I would share some updates with you all.  First things first, I've been back to the gym for 3 weeks now and really starting to see some changes. Every week I improve in some small way.  The weights are easier to lift so I can do more reps or increase the weight and I'm starting to SEE improvements too.  This morning I noticed my calves DEFINITELY had a lot more shape to them and my arms are starting to define (from my perspective) a tiny bit.  One thing some people probably don't know about me is that I really obsess about my arms.  That was one of my favorite things when I used to do bootcamp and boxing and all of that.  When I could touch my arms and outline the definition of the muscles with the tips of my fingers without flexing.  It was awesome!  And don't get me wrong, I don't have a muscle fetish or anything, I just really feel good when I can see my muscle tone under all the fluff that is slowly melting away.  I usually get about 4-5 days a week in the gym and follow a 6 day routine, so if I miss a day or two, I just pick up where I left off in my routine and don't stress about it.  The kids and I have both gotten in a good habit of getting up plenty early to get them to daycare in time for mom to go to the gym before work.  Even after Christmas yesterday we were all exhausted and I debated on letting everyone sleep in and catch up, but that's what the weekends for and with the kids home, I won't be able to get to the gym anyway....soooooooo why not get up early today, get to the gym and save Saturday and Sunday for relaxing, right?

Since it's December 26th, I've successfully survived multiple Christmas parties without being run over by the healthy eating wagon.  There were some instances where I wasn't faced with much, if any, healthy options and I just did my best and even indulged slightly, but at the next meal I was right back to my healthy eating.  For instance, at work the lunch that was catered for us was Pot Belly sandwiches, pasta salad, cole slaw, chips, and cookies.  I chose a chicken and cheddar sandwich, chips, and a chocolate brownie cookie....yup, TOTALLY a crap meal and the carb overload and crash that followed wasn't enjoyable in the least, but I knew it was coming, I planned for it and I survived and still had 211 calories left when I went to bed that night.  I didn't throw my life away because of one lousy meal.  I logged it before I took a single bite and I moved on.  Had the cookie put me over my daily calorie goal, I would've skipped it, but because my breakfast was so lean, I had some wiggle room.  I don't "plan" to have a "cheat day" or even a "cheat meal", but when a situation presents itself that I know my choices are extremely limited I plan my day around that meal.  LOTS of water before and after too.

Yesterday was another challenging day for me.  Not only were there plenty of treats, but the "meal" we had with family was a culmination of different appetizers and I had ZERO control over what ingredients were used, but my mom was mindful of the way my boyfriend and I eat and took that in to consideration.  Instead of preparing the crab cups with JUST wonton wrappers, she made some with quiona cups.  They were pretty darn tasty!  We also had chicken wings, veggies and dip, pickle wrap dip (essentially chopped up pickle wraps) and buffalo chicken dip which I ate with celery instead of crackers.  She even made "cheese crisps" which were basically baked Parmesan Aregiano cheese in the shape of large crackers.  They were super tasty!  So while the day was probably higher in fat than my typical day I did not leave cravings carbs, so I'm calling it a success.  I even ate a piece of two of her homemade candy, logged it, and moved on.

Overall I'm very very proud of my accomplishments and yet while I've been at the gym, I keep seeing myself in the mirror, the rolls and lumps and all of that and I think about how our own views of ourselves are undoubtedly skewed because we see ourselves in the mirror every single day and being somewhat of a lifestyle/documentary type photographer, I soooooo wished I could document this journey.  So what do I do?  Well, I contacted my most favoritest photographer in the whole wide world and asked her if she would be interested in running with this crazy idea.....and thankfully she was TOTALLY game and even excited to help me document my journey.

Something else I probably haven't mentioned on my blog before....partially because I don't want people to think it's a goal for attention and partially because it might be a little crazy and one helluva long shot....I want to be in People Magazine.  Yup, the national magazine sold on thousands of news stands across America. Not just any old issue, but ever since I started trying to change my life (shortly after graduating high school) I've wanted to be one of the featured folks in the January issue of People called "Half Their Size".  I don't want to be featured for having my organs rearranged and physically being forced to lose weight by some half cracked physician.  I want to inspire people by letting them know that you CAN do this on your own.  With a lot of hard work....it's NOT impossible.  Anyone CAN....it's just a matter of who WILL.  I want to give the hopeless hope.  I want to be an example.  I want to inspire and wouldn't that be probably one of the coolest ways to do it?!?!

So that being said.....I'm so so so excited to work with Tasha Herrgott of Red Bird Hills Photography to document my story in multiple photo shoots and regardless if I appear in People Magazine or not, I am proud of what I'm doing and I'll be even more proud when 2015 becomes the year that I reach my goals!

Back on the Bronc

If there's one thing my dad taught me, it's if you fall off the horse, you have to get back on.  That's so true in so many aspects of life, including this healthy journey of mine!

Today I'm officially back to the gym.  It was chest and abs today.  I went in, surrounded by meat heads puffing and groaning and grunting so hard I thought maybe I accidentally walked on the set of a porn!  Not the case.  Just a few dudes with more muscle than brains and here comes the chubby girl thinking she's going to bench press.  Of course, the chubby girl whacks her head on the bar getting in position to do her first bench press, EVER.  Ugh!

But guess what? The chubby girl did her best and she walked out of that gym proud!

As far as nutrition, I'm struggling.  I'm not struggling to keep it under control.  I'm not struggling to keep myself from diving in to a vat of Nutella and eating my way out.  My head is definitely in check, but in having a hard time getting my recommended 220 grams of protein and my eyes have opened incredibly to what proteins are high in fat, sodium, etc.  I'm tracking my food with MyFitnessPal (come be my friend!) and I have my goals custom set to what Tina and I and this book I'm reading have worked out.  That being said, it's just a guideline, not a rule.  If I'm hungrier one day, I'm going to eat.  If I don't get all my calories or protein or carbs, it's ok.  I really just have to listen to this hot-chick-in-training body of mine and let it tell me what it's needs are.

Here's the workout I followed today.  Chest and arms and when I left the gym, I didn't feel sore, therefore I felt like i didn't accomplish much and throughout the day, there wasn't much mention of tenderness in my muscles....and then as I moved the unmatched pile of socks from my bed to the laundry basket and had to engage my abs just a smudge....I felt it.  My familiar friend.  That accomplished, addicting, exhilarating, AMAZING muscle ache that I use as a gauge for how hard/well I've worked.  Call me a masochist, but it hurt really really good!  And then I raised my arms to change in to PJs and there was the ache of the chest muscles...I'm satisfied and happy with my work today.  Tomorrow is another day to do better and be better than yesterday and I'm not going to waste it.

Remember, if you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't train hard enough.  Hot messes unite!!!

"The heart is not so easily changed"

Ever hear that before?  Well if you've seen the movie Frozen a bazillion times, like I have, you may have heard it once or twice.  Literally speaking, he was talking about Elsa striking Anna in the head with her powers, but figuratively, it was so much more than that.

Today I had a conversation with the famous Tina and she said "Becky, I give you permission to be healthy and happy.  To make yourself a daily priority and to give yourself the time and energy to exercise and eat healthy every day.  To pamper and take care of your beautiful body, mind and soul."  Just words right? Well literally speaking yes, but they struck a cord that hadn't been struck in 3 1/2 years.  One that was beaten and bruised last time it was struck.  Last time this cord sounded more like "you are obsessed with working out", "you are obsessed with eating healthy", "you are leaving the kids home with someone else so you can feed your obsession and it has to stop".  I got defensive, I fired back about how there are worse things to obsessed with and likely even threw the phrase we've all heard a million times "I can't take care of them, if I don't take care of me first" to which I was accused of being selfish and a less than adequate mother.  If anyone knows me, being a sub-par mom is one of my greatest fears and while my head knew the accusations were said out of pure fear and ignorance, my heart was bruised and those words have stuck with me. Tucked away in some far away dark corner of myself and today someone brought them to life.  Someone gave me permission, someone told me it's ok to take care of myself and it made me realize I've been turning away help for years because of those words.  I've been turning away offers to take the kids so I can do Zumba or yoga or whatever in fear of being seen as a bad mom.

I cried and then I texted the incredible man in my life and told him I would take him up on his offers to help.  He doesn't offer because he thinks I can't handle working out and being a good mom.  He doesn't offer because he feels obligated to or because I've tied him up in some guilty trip.  He offers because he loves me and he knows I love the gym and Zumba and yoga and he wants to see me happy.  And THAT, my friends, is an incredible and overwhelming feeling for someone who's never had a genuinely loving, supportive partner before.

So I'm going to dry my tears and take my ass to the gym!