Profound

Have you ever come across a photo or sculpture or piece of art that speaks so deeply it touches the very core of who you are.  This morning that happened to me!  I logged in to Facebook this morning like I always do and checked my notifications and there in the middle of all the silliness was a post from my sister to a healthy living group that I administer and I just can't stop looking at the image.  I even made it my profile picture on my personal page.  This is that image!

It is so incredibly profound and spoke volumes and gives hope and realizm to this journey of mine....of OURS!  There are so many people that read this blog and go through hell and back with me every single day with this journey.

If any of you are interested in joining my healthy living group, PLEASE send a request.  This group is encouraging and supportive.  We share recipes, we share struggles, and accomplishments and welcome each member with the warm fuzzies all of need when we start out this journey.  There are men and women at every point in their journey.  Some have hit their goal and trying to maintain.  Some are just starting out and some are smack in the middle like me.  So feel free to come join us!!

Body By Me Healthy Living - https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/592570084180259/

An update on me....one of my littles was sick last week so three days I didn't get to the gym, the following day I was in the office which makes for a long day and Friday the kids were home from school.  This week I'm back at it and killing it!

That being said, I get to work with the amazing Tasha at Red Bird Hills to have a documentary/lifestyle photo shoot done of my "before" life/workout.  We'll be hanging out with the famous Tina.  Tina is going to put me through the wringer and push me to my limit and Tasha will be there to document the struggle, the sweat, the tears, the shape of my current body regardless of how much I dislike it.  In a year or so, we're going to do it all over again!  We're going to document the strength, the accomplishment, the triumph over this journey.  I can NOT wait!  I have DREAMED of being in front of Tasha's camera for years and I've always said I want her to be my wedding photographer.  I've also got another completely different shoot in mind when our family of 3 becomes a family of 6 this year, so working with Tasha is really a dream come true for me.  Working with her multiple times in one year blows my mind!

I can't believe you did that!

Last weekend, I went to breakfast with a good friend of mine that I don't see near enough and among other topics in the two hours we spent sipping tea, giggling, and such we talked about my healthy lifestyle and my blog and my divorce and the breaking point and somewhere in our conversation was the phrase "I can't believe you tell people what you weigh!"  My response was simply "Do you think you or anyone that knows me thinks differently of me because they know 'the number'?"  They might know my number is 275 (or about that), they might also know that I was 222 at my lightest 3.5 years ago.  They might know that my pant size is a 20 and that at 222 I wore an 11/12.  

These numbers only define what rack I buy my clothes and the actual mass of this body of mine.  They don't tell you a single other thing about me.  They don't say whether I'm healthy, they don't say whether I'm kind or funny or a good mom.  They don't tell you one single valuable thing about me.  

While technically that number is no ones business it IS a measurable factor in my journey to a smaller me and that's all, so why WOULDN'T I give it out just as I would my height?  Why should I hide behind a number?  In fact giving out that number and all of my future numbers along the way will simply illustrate my progress.  And a lot of people look at me and say "you don't look like you weigh 275".....so tell me what does 275 look like?  What does ANY weight "look like"?

This is what 150 looks like!  Is it what you imagined?

At one point in my life I took a lot of pride in saying "I lost 180 lbs", but I took more pride in saying "I ran a 5K" or "I'm the strongest one in bootcamp" or "I boxed with a dude tonight and held my own".  There's more to life than the number on a scale.  And for those of you curious....here's what 275 looks like (the picture on the left).  The picture on the right.....that's what 274.2 looks like!

Stay off the scale and stay focused on your goals and most of all stay honest....honest with your friends, honest with your family, your significant other, but most of all, be honest with yourself.  You don't "need" a magic pill, or a surgeon, or anything other than your own two feet.  One in front of the other, slow and steady wins the race and that's something to be proud of!  

15 days in to the new year and I feel great about my choices and my accomplishment, physically and mentally, and I feel great that I have some awesome friends tackling this journey with me!  Proud of all you ladies that are doing things the right way!  Don't get discouraged by those that are so ashamed of themselves that they try to fool those around them.  Be sad for them, because they will never truly understand what it's like to be proud.

Stories....mine and yours

As you all know, this blog has been up and running for 4 1/2 years and it's been a full 33 1/2 years since I've battled my weight.  Yup, since the day I was born.  For most of my life, it was taboo to talk about "fat" (the noun as well as the adjective) and it was embarrassing to admit weight was an issue.  It's been embarrassing to my family and most are still uncomfortable talking about their struggles or mine.

I'm not sure exactly WHEN it happened or why or even how but I got to a point in my life where I couldn't hide behind the fat and taboo and uncomfortable feelings anymore.  It's not a secret, so why should I pretend that it is.  It's also not something to joke about or make fun of.  Maybe it was the day my BFF asked me to be in her wedding back in 2010.  Maybe I got to a point where I was tired of battling by myself.  Maybe I needed an outlet, a journal of sorts and when I get passionate and start writing by hand I squeeze the pen tighter and my hand aches, so I chose a keyboard instead.  Maybe just maybe it happened without me even knowing, I don't remember, but I know I don't keep quiet anymore and I haven't for a long time.  

This body of mine is nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing to hide behind, and it's certainly not a secret that I struggle EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY with my weight and food and exercise and the millions of habits and emotions that have been ingrained in my brain growing up.  So, for 4 and a half years I have put myself out there.  Let everyone hear my story, let everyone see pictures of my body that I would've never DREAMED of showing before.  I've posted food and checked in at the gym and maybe to some people on my friends list it's annoying and boring and unnecessary and maybe it is.  Maybe it's not any of anyone's business what I'm eating or when I go to the gym or what I'm buying at the grocery store.  Some people say it's dangerous to "check in" on facebook, because a crazy murdering stalker might find me and hang me right there from the smith machine.  Maybe they're right!  BUT, what if I take the chance and someone who is struggling in silence reads my post or sees my recipe.  Maybe someone who is still ashamed and scared to talk about or post pictures of themselves.  Maybe there is someone out there who doesn't have anyone to talk to or confide in about their struggles.  Maybe they see me and don't feel so alone anymore.  If there is just ONE person on my friends list (or on my friends' friends list) that I can provide some HOPE to....you're DAMN RIGHT I'm going to put it out there.  There is NOTHING in my life that is a secret, I'm totally an open book, for this very specific reason and I will NOT change for anything.  

I've had a couple friends ask me what I do at the gym or what foods I eat or how in the world I stay motivated.  Some have asked for meal plans or for me to share what vitamins I take and HOW to work out and eat right.  I'm always so flattered that anyone would come to a 275 lb single mom to ask for advice on how to be healthy.  It baffles me.

This morning a beautiful woman on my friends list message me, whom I've never had the pleasure of actually meeting messaged me in what I can only imagine was a moment of strength, or weakness, or hopelessness and confided that a doctor had suggested she try bariatric surgery and she didn't want to go that route.  She wanted to do it the "right" way.  I can not even EXPLAIN how much I wanted to get in my car drive to her house and hug her SO SO SO tight!  I wanted to hold her hand and tell her she's doing the right thing and hug her again.  Instead I told her how proud I was of her and asked how I could help as tears welled in my eyes.  Not out of pity and not out of sadness for her or any of that.  I don't "feel sorry" for people, everyone in the place their in because they have a story.  An incredible long, tough, story and that what makes all of us different and amazing and NO ONE can take that away from you.  I cry partially because I get to help this beautiful lady change her story.  I get to be PART OF that story, just like so many important women have been part of mine.  Someone has seen my story, heard my struggles and identified with them and now she's gotten the courage to take the next step and ask for help.....MY help.

In my eyes I'm a 275 lb out of shape mommy of 2 that struggles every day.  Emotionally, financially, and physically to make my and my kids' lives the best it can be.  In someone else's eyes I'm an inspiration, I'm a sign of hope.  It's an amazing, incredible feeling.

THANK YOU to everyone who has allowed me to be part of your story! YOU are my motivation!  <3

Frustration turned motivation

I originally started writing the following post in a private healthy living group that I manage and then when I got to the end and had completely changed my own state of mind, I decided it needed to be something that everyone reads!  Happy New Year!  

So after not getting on the scale for a full month (I have scale obsession issues) and working out 4-5 days a week, eating clean and healthy and 90% of the time completely within my calories.....I've only lost .6 while a loss is a loss, that's sure not much and not the 2lbs a week I was hoping for.  

That being said the workouts I have been doing are very strength based which is building muscle and my numbers and strength are going up every single week.  My clothes aren't necessarily looser, but they definitely look better on this body of mine.  My body may not be getting much lighter, but the shape of it is definitely changing.

So what's my point?  I'm not really 100% sure.  I think I just needed to talk this out and while I'm dealing with a little frustration on the scale end of things this morning, I'm trying really really hard to stay positive and focus on the things that ARE improving.  I'm trying to talk to myself as if I was one of my own friends with the same issue.  Would I say "yup, you suck, just give up!" or "wow, all that working out, all that logging, all those healthy choices sure we're a waste!"  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I would never talk to anyone, especially a friend, so why in the world would I talk to myself that way?  Today, on New Years Eve 2015, I'm going to choose to be my own best friend and I'm going to choose to say "remember, you've been doing a lot of strength training and your body is changing for the better regardless of the number on the scale".  I would say "you're moving and you weren't before" and "you are improving your health with the food choices you're making no matter what that stupid scale tells you" and "I have noticed a huge beautiful change in the shape of your body.  Your face, legs, butt, and most importantly, your smile.  When you make healthy food choices and exercise, that smile I love gets bigger and I know my best friend is feeling healthier and more confident with every bite and every lift" and the one thing I would say to my best friend if I were her is "don't give up!  Whatever you do, just keep doing what you're doing, because it's making you better than you were before in so many ways"

2015 is going to be my year and I refuse to let a stupid scale tell me anything different!