Tough

Today has been one of those tough days where I feel like I want to throw in the towel, dive in to an overflowing vat of carbohydrates (mostly bread and butter and chocolate - separately of course) and eat my way out!

Some of my toughest days are when I'm sure I'm failing as a mom.  When a road block of behavior arises and you don't know what to do.  Moms are supposed to know everything and do everything and make everything better (hence the cape, right)?

I had a pretty strong heart to heart with myself tonight and gave myself a pep talk over and over again.  "One taste" "one bite" "one sandwich" "one meal" "one day" "one week" "one month" of crap eating never hurt anyone, right?  But that's the way it snowballs.  It just gets bigger and bigger until every shit I give is completely gone and then there is a little voice that says "wait a minute" "slow down".  A little whisper that says "you're better, stronger, more powerful than that" "what about the cruise?" "What about the dress?" "What about.......life?"  And then there's this clarity and s renewed sense of determination.  The truth is....I don't want to the fat mom anymore.  I don't want to be the one who restarts a million times.  I don't want to be the one people think of as not reaching her goal.  And I resolved a long time ago (11 years to be exact) that I wasn't going to be a fat bride.  I failed miserably at that 8 years ago and if someday I get the chance again, I don't want to fail twice.

I want the energy, I want the pride, and I want the self esteem and it's not going to just show up out of the blue on its own.  I have to WORK for it.  Haven't I always said to not take the easy way out and that I'm going to bust my ass?  I encourage people to be their best and do their best all the time and if I were to cave and indulge....just once....that's not MY best.

Today.....tonight....stress in over drive, I did my best.  I vented, asked for help and ate the last of the damn pumpkin chili!

Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing I really DID do my best.

Survival

Today was ROUGH to say the least!  Partially because I had to get up early, partially because it's day 4 of this sugar detox and partially because I was surrounded by carbs (pasta, breadsticks, and chocolate cake!) not to mention the "snack shop" was just steps from my cubicle.  Definition of snack shop? A pile of candy, cookies, muffins, chips, etc.....SUCKED!!

Anyway, today I ate a LOT of pumpkin chili and to stave off the cravings, I had the "healthy heart" nut mix and an ENTIRE container of yellow cherry tomatoes!

But guess what?  I made it through, I survived!  Not one tiny slip and tonight I'm going to bed SUPER proud!!

Pre-breakfast snack - heart healthy nut mix

Breakfast - pumpkin chili

Lunch - pumpkin chili

Snack - heart healthy nut mix

Second snack - cherry tomatoes

Dinner - 3 eggs, mushrooms, onion, and garlic scramble

Oh!!!! And yesterday I had quite an experience with a restaurant in savage.

I planned to go out to dinner with one of my best girlfriends and one of our favorite places is Buffalo Tap.  I reviewed the menu online before going and talked to Tina and we'd decided on grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and a side salad.  We arrived and ordered and the waitress tells me they don't have steamed, grilled or any other kind of vegetables except the various higher calorie salad offerings at which she smirked and made a snide comment about them not being a healthy restaurant.  I ordered the Cobb salad with balsamic vinegrette and got on with my night.

I survived cheese curds, mini corn dogs, and the fried breadstick that came with my salad!  It was a great evening and I woke up this morning having a "skinny day"

Happy Thursday!  Bring on the weekend!!

Go and get it

Today has been just a plain 'ol normal day with nothing exciting to speak of.

That being said I had some extraordinary thoughts and motivation and it feels so good to be in my preferred frame of mind again.

First of all, I got to talk to one of my former trainers and I told her my plan for becoming a trainer myself one day and feeling like I needed to "get my head right".

Shortly after I got an instant message from a woman that soon will be considered family, thanking me for being so transparent and sharing my story and struggles and told me how I've affected her.  Now, I've heard things similar to this in the past, more or less profound, but it didn't hit me as hard as it did today.  Today I realized by NOT working toward my goals I wasn't getting where I wanted to be.  No brainer right?  Well sometimes when your head is somewhere else or when life and stress and all of that get in the way, it's hard to lose sight of what I want.

So what DO I want?

I want to inspire people and I want to help people and while discussing my struggles openly I give people hope they are not alone and while I struggle I learn.  Isn't that what life is about anyway?  Learning and growing as a person.  While clearly I would love to see my magic number on the scale, but moreso I want to FEEL good, I want to DO good, I want to BE good.  In order to do, and feel, and be good, I need to get my head in the game and do my damnedest to keep it there!

So far today, it's been a good day!  I combatted my sugar cravings and got through them completely unharmed and feeling amazing and proud.

Breakfast - Sweet Potato, Black Bean and Kale hash

Lunch - loads of celery with Almond Butter

Dinner - Pumpkin Chili

Hard decisions

So during this challenge I've been doing seemingly well.  That being said, it's an unhealthy progression and I've fallen back in to some old anxiety and obsessive behaviors that I'm not proud of.  I have "scale issues", which isn't exactly what you may think unless you've followed my blog for a while.  Basically I get wrapped up more in the number on the scale rather than my own health.  It seems when a competition is involved and I feel the pressure of pulling a good number, I would weigh myself once a day and in some cases multiple times a day, so I made the decision to continue facilitating the challenges for those that would like to take part, but that I would opt out.  I had a heart heart with my favorite trainer and decided it's best I only get on the scale once a month and focus on making good choices rather than the number that seems to be wrongly used to determine success or failure.  If I don't pull the number I think I should, I end up feeling like I failed or like a fraud.  I would overdose on Miralax to get a higher number, especially if I felt like the number could be considerably better.

That being said, the cruise I have booked with my amazing boyfriend, my sister, and her boyfriend is exactly 18 weeks out and while I would LIKE to be back to 222 by then (my lowest adult weight), it's just not realistic and I understand that, so my goal instead is to be back in my size 18 jeans.  I've even bought some clothes lately that are a size or two too small for the cruise to use as motivation.

So today, I started a "Back to Basics" sugar detox.  Simply it's protein and vegetables and that's it.

I was nervous after a long weekend up north with my kids showing them exactly what NOT to eat (see mom fail!) but I survived today with three protein and veggie rich meals!

Breakfast - 3 egg omelette with mushrooms, green onions, ham, and a smidgen of Italian cheese

Lunch - leftover from last week Sweet Potato, Kale and Black Bean Hash (the sweet potato is not an ideal sugar detox food, there's a large amount left over and it broke my heart to waste it)

Snack - ham slices (just enough to hold me over so I could cook dinner)

Dinner - Pumpkin Chili

Sautéed onions and garlic

2 large cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes

2 cans of pumpkin (NOT the pie filling)

2 cans of black beans

1 can of white beans 

1 can of garbanzo beans (aka chickpeas)

2 cans of water

Cumin and Chili powder to taste

Yum yum yum!!!!