Hey all!
I hope everyone had a happy and safe Labor Day. I've been thinking about this blog post for a few days and what I wanted to say that I may not have been able to talk to anyone about in the moment and how I wanted to share my experience over the holiday weekend.
Our plans were similar to every other year, rent out most of the cabins at Sweet Water Resort, hang out and enjoy our family. By family, I mean:
The entire 6 pack - my + boyfriend = 4 kids under 8 years old
My mom - the genius behind the festivities every year
My sister, her husband, 2 kids and 1 foster baby
My aunt, three cousins, one cousin-in-law, and two littles
My cousin from Illinois, plus her husband and 2 girls
It sounds like a lot but this isn't even CLOSE to 1/4 of my family! Anyway, not all of us struggle with food addictions and it's really really hard to explain the term "diet" being a 4 letter word in my book. In fact, it became a friendly debate on multiple occasions. The amount of calories I was consuming was the topic of conversation as was the TYPE of calories I chose to eat and the fact that "I can't have that" was not part of my vocabulary. In fact, people would say, "How about ice cream?! Oh wait, you can't have that!" and I would have to say "I CAN have it, I'm choosing not to". In fact, I don't do it necessarily to prove a point, but the words I say and the way I wrap my head around this journey makes ME feel better about it and since it's my journey, isn't that the only opinion that should really matter?
Several times I had to walk past pans of brownies, rice krispie treats, magic cookie bars, candy, treats, and snacks that I knew would destroy my dreams and goals for this life. I know that sounds slightly dramatic, but for me one bite, one lick, always leads to another which leads to a spiraling out of control and weight gain, frustration, and hopelessness and then I have to try to pick myself back up (because no one can do that for you) and get back on track with the goal setting, measuring, and worst of all the withdrawals. For whatever reason this mountainous pyramid of goodies was placed RIGHT next to the fridge and covered the stove top so even when I went to get a glass of water, I found the pans and pans of sugar and insulin resistance staring me in the face. Eventually I got sick of it and took it upon myself to rearrange the kitchen and put the sweets more out of sight on a shelf, so they were behind my back when I walked to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water or a healthy snack from the fridge. I may have sounded a bit harsh when I said "I'm cleaning the kitchen, because I'm tired of staring at all this crap everytime I come through the door". I know the treats weren't intentionally placed there to torture me, but moving them was something I conciously had to do FOR ME.
So the razzing continued throughout the entire weekend and when a DQ run was brought up and I'd mentioned that I was already over my caloric intake for the day (all healthy calories, but still over the calories), I was told by multiple people that the day was shot anyway, so what difference did it make. Part of me was in disbelief that the people that love me so much were encouraging me to fail. Part of me, down right angry, but the biggest part of me was heartbroken. These are the people that are supposed to lift me up and encourage me and I literally looked to my guy and said "Can you help me out here?" as I was clearly outnumbered. He very quietly said, "You can do this". Probably the most valuable 4 words I'd heard all weekend. As I continued to stand my ground, tears stung my eyes as I repeatedly declined the DQ offer and explained my stance and on and on and on and eventually the pushers gave up. There was no DQ run because I didn't comply. There was no horrible overdose of sugar or sweets at any point. Not even so much as a cracker passed my lips. It was ALL protein and vegetables (even the broccoli salad was sweetened only with Stevia) and for this I was proud.
Yesterday as I contemplated the fact that I'd missed two days of working out and wondered what I could do for weight training at a resort when I'd forgotten my weights at home, my honey reminded me that kayaking around the bay would be a good workout and I recalled how much I loved it, but was nervous that after a 70lb gain, it's quite possible I would look ridiculous getting in and out of the blue kayak meant for much smaller people than I. However, I swallowed that pride, because no matter how ridiculous or nauseating I may have seemed getting in and out of the kayak or how I was judged, I was working toward my goals. I paddled around the bay twice and was proud that I didn't completely throw in the towel on movement over the weekend. Kayaking was definitely more of a core workout for me than arms or much else, but it was a workout nonetheless.
There were lots of pictures taken over the weekend and I'm not happy how I look in many of them unless the only thing contained therein is my face which I've learned to angle to flatter the shape of my jawline, etc. They are good reminders that while other indulged in sugar ladden comas a good portion of the weekend, my goals were not the same as theirs. I have bigger goals and require more work and determination and that's ok. I wasn't missing out on anything. Had I indulged I would've missed out on so much more including: pride, health, and self love.
Have a great week all! Go out there and get your goals, no matter what everyone else is doing. Your goals are different than theirs and we all achieve our individual goals differently.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have two flights of stairs to run a bazillion times to get all of our gear in from our weekend getaway.
