"The heart is not so easily changed"

Ever hear that before?  Well if you've seen the movie Frozen a bazillion times, like I have, you may have heard it once or twice.  Literally speaking, he was talking about Elsa striking Anna in the head with her powers, but figuratively, it was so much more than that.

Today I had a conversation with the famous Tina and she said "Becky, I give you permission to be healthy and happy.  To make yourself a daily priority and to give yourself the time and energy to exercise and eat healthy every day.  To pamper and take care of your beautiful body, mind and soul."  Just words right? Well literally speaking yes, but they struck a cord that hadn't been struck in 3 1/2 years.  One that was beaten and bruised last time it was struck.  Last time this cord sounded more like "you are obsessed with working out", "you are obsessed with eating healthy", "you are leaving the kids home with someone else so you can feed your obsession and it has to stop".  I got defensive, I fired back about how there are worse things to obsessed with and likely even threw the phrase we've all heard a million times "I can't take care of them, if I don't take care of me first" to which I was accused of being selfish and a less than adequate mother.  If anyone knows me, being a sub-par mom is one of my greatest fears and while my head knew the accusations were said out of pure fear and ignorance, my heart was bruised and those words have stuck with me. Tucked away in some far away dark corner of myself and today someone brought them to life.  Someone gave me permission, someone told me it's ok to take care of myself and it made me realize I've been turning away help for years because of those words.  I've been turning away offers to take the kids so I can do Zumba or yoga or whatever in fear of being seen as a bad mom.

I cried and then I texted the incredible man in my life and told him I would take him up on his offers to help.  He doesn't offer because he thinks I can't handle working out and being a good mom.  He doesn't offer because he feels obligated to or because I've tied him up in some guilty trip.  He offers because he loves me and he knows I love the gym and Zumba and yoga and he wants to see me happy.  And THAT, my friends, is an incredible and overwhelming feeling for someone who's never had a genuinely loving, supportive partner before.

So I'm going to dry my tears and take my ass to the gym!