Stories....mine and yours

As you all know, this blog has been up and running for 4 1/2 years and it's been a full 33 1/2 years since I've battled my weight.  Yup, since the day I was born.  For most of my life, it was taboo to talk about "fat" (the noun as well as the adjective) and it was embarrassing to admit weight was an issue.  It's been embarrassing to my family and most are still uncomfortable talking about their struggles or mine.

I'm not sure exactly WHEN it happened or why or even how but I got to a point in my life where I couldn't hide behind the fat and taboo and uncomfortable feelings anymore.  It's not a secret, so why should I pretend that it is.  It's also not something to joke about or make fun of.  Maybe it was the day my BFF asked me to be in her wedding back in 2010.  Maybe I got to a point where I was tired of battling by myself.  Maybe I needed an outlet, a journal of sorts and when I get passionate and start writing by hand I squeeze the pen tighter and my hand aches, so I chose a keyboard instead.  Maybe just maybe it happened without me even knowing, I don't remember, but I know I don't keep quiet anymore and I haven't for a long time.  

This body of mine is nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing to hide behind, and it's certainly not a secret that I struggle EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY with my weight and food and exercise and the millions of habits and emotions that have been ingrained in my brain growing up.  So, for 4 and a half years I have put myself out there.  Let everyone hear my story, let everyone see pictures of my body that I would've never DREAMED of showing before.  I've posted food and checked in at the gym and maybe to some people on my friends list it's annoying and boring and unnecessary and maybe it is.  Maybe it's not any of anyone's business what I'm eating or when I go to the gym or what I'm buying at the grocery store.  Some people say it's dangerous to "check in" on facebook, because a crazy murdering stalker might find me and hang me right there from the smith machine.  Maybe they're right!  BUT, what if I take the chance and someone who is struggling in silence reads my post or sees my recipe.  Maybe someone who is still ashamed and scared to talk about or post pictures of themselves.  Maybe there is someone out there who doesn't have anyone to talk to or confide in about their struggles.  Maybe they see me and don't feel so alone anymore.  If there is just ONE person on my friends list (or on my friends' friends list) that I can provide some HOPE to....you're DAMN RIGHT I'm going to put it out there.  There is NOTHING in my life that is a secret, I'm totally an open book, for this very specific reason and I will NOT change for anything.  

I've had a couple friends ask me what I do at the gym or what foods I eat or how in the world I stay motivated.  Some have asked for meal plans or for me to share what vitamins I take and HOW to work out and eat right.  I'm always so flattered that anyone would come to a 275 lb single mom to ask for advice on how to be healthy.  It baffles me.

This morning a beautiful woman on my friends list message me, whom I've never had the pleasure of actually meeting messaged me in what I can only imagine was a moment of strength, or weakness, or hopelessness and confided that a doctor had suggested she try bariatric surgery and she didn't want to go that route.  She wanted to do it the "right" way.  I can not even EXPLAIN how much I wanted to get in my car drive to her house and hug her SO SO SO tight!  I wanted to hold her hand and tell her she's doing the right thing and hug her again.  Instead I told her how proud I was of her and asked how I could help as tears welled in my eyes.  Not out of pity and not out of sadness for her or any of that.  I don't "feel sorry" for people, everyone in the place their in because they have a story.  An incredible long, tough, story and that what makes all of us different and amazing and NO ONE can take that away from you.  I cry partially because I get to help this beautiful lady change her story.  I get to be PART OF that story, just like so many important women have been part of mine.  Someone has seen my story, heard my struggles and identified with them and now she's gotten the courage to take the next step and ask for help.....MY help.

In my eyes I'm a 275 lb out of shape mommy of 2 that struggles every day.  Emotionally, financially, and physically to make my and my kids' lives the best it can be.  In someone else's eyes I'm an inspiration, I'm a sign of hope.  It's an amazing, incredible feeling.

THANK YOU to everyone who has allowed me to be part of your story! YOU are my motivation!  <3